Writing in distress

There is nothing wrong with anxiety. Although we cannot control God's time, it is part of the human condition to want to receive the thing we are waiting for as quickly as possible. Or to drive away whatever is causing our fear. . . . Anxiety was born in the very same moment as mankind. And since we will never be able to master it, we will have to learn to live with it — just as we have learned to live with storms. (Manuscript Found in Accra)

You know the feeling when you’ve read something and you suddenly think that the verses thoroughly explain your existence? The passage above just hit me.

I often write about my dreams, my hope, my willingness to wait and fight for my every wanting, but despite the words I utter, I know there is something within me that holds my confidence down. Despite my faith is the anxiety that troubles me every night.

I remember when I was on the 2^nd year at the secondary school when a Christian Living teacher asked me what I would want to ask for forgiveness, and I told him that I have never been in my entire life (as early as that age), contented. I always ask for more, to aim for a higher ground. In fact I was born to go forward, not to stop, to go high. But with these years of survival and contemplating my achievements, I often ask myself, where am I now? Where am I heading?

Honestly, I don’t really want to be on top, I don’t want fame or power. All I want is for me to have this outpouring blessing that everyone is talking when it comes to their domain. But after trying any possible path, believing and convincing myself every day, saying all the kind of prayers (from asking, believing, waiting, delivering) and enduring every downfall, my conviction collapsed.

I have been angry, and withdrawn my faith to God. I even stopped asking for any blessings, accepting that life only comes in packages, whether you’re lucky or not, you’ll be getting what you want, be dispelled or will get something much better. And with this, I stop believing. I stop dreaming. Now I am just waiting for any moment that I could possibly use as channel. I stop wanting because that’s the only way to stop the anxiety, to stop being distress upon trusting that you could be different.

Now chances came. And I don’t know what path I should take in. Sometimes I wonder if God is really testing me to prove that I asked for what I really want. That I prayed for the right calling.  Sometimes, I think God is playing with me. But on the afterthought, why did I believe in Him? Is that for me to have all the favour? Did I really wait for too long? Or I just made my plans according to my own timeline?

La Sallista ka ba?

First time to be at expensive school (La Salle Zobel). At una ko naisip geez. Tahanan ba ito ng mga anak ng Dyos at Dyosa??

Unang una, dun ko nakita ang mga studyante na wala na ata ibang ginawa kundi mag-usap ng ingles, mag-asaran sa ingles at kung ano ano pa using English medium. Makakasalubong mo e ibat-ibang lahi na kapag kinausap ka nila e walang ibang paraang kundi magsalita din sa wikang ginagamit nila. Dun ko nakita na totoo ngang nangyayari yung mga scene sa tv na sosyal sosyal na ang mga studyante ngayon. Pero sa pagmamatyag me napansin akong kakaiba.

Medyo may pagka-”ewan” sila umasta. Self-centered, bastos, brat? Di ko lam kung ano ang tamang term,  o siguro lahat na.

We were there to conduct an information campaign. But since bata naman talaga ang target namin medyo animated ang flow ng program and we were with a good facilitator then.(looks and communication skill, check!)

Pero me mali kung pano sila umasta..

Unang una, during set up, nakaupo yung mga bata sa daan papasok sa auditorium nila, we were carrying tables, coolers, banners, etc that were big enough to consume space, and gulay! During our time setting up nakikita na nila na dadaan kami pero hindi talaga sila umaalis sa pwesto nila, we tried to say “excuse po” (in a good way, syempre kelangan magpaka-goody) and they moved! Mga 1 inch siguro. Alam mo yun, nakikita na nila na hirap na hirap na yung mga tao namin to carry those props pero di sila umaalis sa daan, bibigyan ka ng way pero bahala ka kung pano mo pagkakasyahin yung sarili mo dun sa binigay nilang space well in fact pwede naman sila tumabi saglit kasi nga pintuan yun.

Saka naghaharutan talaga sila sa daan. Isipin mo me bitbit kang lamesa tas biglang me nagtakbuhan sa harap mo at naghampasan, ikaw pa ang hindi gagalaw baka kasi sumabit sila sa bitbit mo. Mamaya anak pa pala ng kung sino yung natabig mo.. At hindi sila basta aalis sa daan gat di pa sila tapos sa ginagawa nila kahit na nakikita na nila kung gano kabigat yung dala mo.

Pangalawa during the program flow, pinapakita talaga nila na they are not happy on what is happening. To the point na binabara na nila yung facilitator namin. (i really feel bad for him, though alam ko di nya narinig yung mga mocks nung bata.) Siguro nga dahil mayaman sila at iba yung entertainment na hanap nila but to yell sa facilitator while conducting the event, duh.. Ibang klase.

During our distribution of freebies, me iba talaga na hindi kumuha. Kapag hindi mo naibigay yung gusto nila iiwan ka talaga ng walang sabi sabi. Part of the program is to give each student ng envelope na ibibigay nila sa parents nila, at anong ginawa nila..? Tinapon nila sa labas lang ng auditorium nila! Even yung plastic ng straws. Me ibang bata pa nga na harap harap na itinapon yung envelope sa kasamahan ko. Sheep talaga. Sa 13 schools na napunthan namin to conduct that event dun lang kami nakaranas ng ganung pambabastos, to think na isa sa kinikilalang school yun at Zobel pa!

Di ko lam kung dahil mayaman lang ba sila at iba ang trip nila, pero para sa edad nila me kaangasan na silang taglay. At hindi sila grateful sa mga binibigay sa kanila. Me mga prizes kasi na binigay sa mga players ng game at nagrereklamo talaga at sinisigaw pa nila na yun lang, they are expecting ipads daw! Langya.. Me isa pang studyante na sumigaw and told us : “can i comment? What you did to us is for senior prep. Don’t treat us like a baby.” E yung program namin gang grade 6 nga ang kasali at wala kami nakuhang ganung feedback sa iba.

Gusto ko na talaga tumakbo nun palabas ng subdivision. Though hindi naman ako nakikita nung mga bata pero yung feeling na napapahiya na yung mga kasamahan mo, buti natapos kagad yung event. 

AMALAYER being rampant.

On craze ngayon yung video ni AMALAYER girl, pero on my personal opinion, masyado naging epidemic yung isyu ng hindi naman dapat. Andaming side ng story na pwede mapag-usapan pero naging above dun yung obvious which is yung scene na nakunan, and because of that nagiging one sided yung opinion ng tao. Well, wala na ko masyado masabi, mahirap magsalita sa isang bagay na hindi mo naman alam ang totoong istorya. Lemme just share here the comment i saw from Gregory Paulo Llamoso's post: 

By a dummy FB user:

Alam kong napanood na ninyo ang video ng batang kumakalat sa mga social networking sites ngayon. oo, ung batang pa-english-english ng “amalayer, amalayer”. ayan, so narecall niyo na. anyway, sa aking palagay lamang, sa mumunti kong utak, may mga napansin akong mga pagkakamali sa pangyayaring ito na sumasalamin sa lipunan natin ngayon. at sa totoo lang, ako ay awang-awa sa mangyayari sa atin, sa mga tao, sa hinaharap, sa ating bayan at sa mga susunod pang henerasyon kapag nag patuloy ang ganitong sistema sa ating lipunan. at ang masaya, hindi dun sa batang babaeng nagwawala ako nakakita ng pagkakamali. simulan natin kay mr. gregory llamosa. 

1. ayon sa kanyang description sa video “pinuntahan ko nalang yung Head ng security and suggested na dalhin sa office yung babaeng nagwawala hindi in public, nagkaroon tuloy ng Scandal dun na really an unacceptable behavior…” hindi ba ka-ipokritohan ang ginawa ng taong ito? dalhin na lang daw sa office at wag sa public?? pagkatapos niyang mai-video ang pangyayari at i-pinost pa niya ang video sa mga social networking sites ha. bravo.

2. eto pa: I don’t care how this incident started, nobody has the right to treat another person—especially one who’s merely performing a low-paying job just to put food on the table—this way. GUSTO KO SANA IPADALA SA TV PATROL/24 ORAS/T3 GREGORY LLAMOSO (Bayan Patroller) :D 

willtime bigtime na ba ito? wish ko lang? putangina!! porke ba low-paying job ang pagiging security guard e pwede na silang maging arogante sa lahat ng tao dahil merong mga ipokritong tao na “magtatanggol” sa kanila kapag nakakuha sila ng katapat nila? owmaygulay!! this society is going down the drain.

3. so lahat na ng mga putanginang ipokrito sa pilipinas e nagsilabasan na, to the rescue kay lady guard. at palagay ko karamihan pa sa mga hayup na yan e behavioral experts. may doctorate sa psychology at sociology at sobrang ganda ng itinurong asal sa kanila ng kanilang mga magulang. at dahil nag-english si ate kay lady guard arogante na si ate dahil feeling ng mga ipokritong ito e hindi makakasagot si lady guard ng fluent english din (palagy ko din). pero sabi nga nung pambansang ipokrito na nagpost ng video e, wala daw siyang pakialam kung paano nagsimula ang insidente, por jos por santo, e bakit kaya biglang nagwala si ate sa publiko?? dahil nginitian siya nung lady guard at binati ng good morning?? attitude problem lang si ate, ganun? hindi naman natin maikakaila na napakarami din namang mga aroganteng walang pinag-aralan. waiter na mayabang, security guard na tarantado, taxi driver na abusado; nagkataon lang na nakakuha ng katapat si lady guard. 

4. mali ang ginawang pag-iiskandalo ni ate sa publiko. pero tama bang eskandaluhin siya ngayon ng libo-libong ipokrito sa mga social networking sites?? ito na ba ang pamantayan natin ng katarungan?? for that matter, tama bang i-post ang video niya, at i-bully ng mga “mababait at may manners” nating kababayan?? 

5. ang ending, mapipilitang magsorry si ate, sasabihin niyang nadala lamang siya ng kanyang emosyon, at malamang e mabibigyan siya ng break sa pag-aartista. si lady guard naman at ang libo-libong taong may “low-paying job” e magkakaroon lalo ng lakas ng loob para ipagpatuloy ang kanilang pambabastos, pangaabuso at kaarugantehan. 

conclusion: bukas makalawa may kakalat na namang video ng isang lalaking galit na galit at nagmumura. hinahabol niya ang may hawak ng camera. apparently, na-videohan pala si kuya habang umiihi sa pader na may nakasulat na “bawal omehi detu” at dahil parang garapata kadami ang mga ipokrito, i-bubully na naman nila si kuyang galit na para bang hindi sila umihi sa pader ni minsan sa buhay nila.

Para Kay B by Ricky Lee

Matagal ko ng natapos ang librong ito, pero isang gabi naisip ko na naman ang mga teorya ng may akda tungkol sa pag-ibig. Limang kwento, pero higit pa doon ang uri ng pag-ibig na nais ipamulat sa mga mambabasa. Ikaw, saan ka papatak?

(excerpt from Para Kay B)

Ito ang teorya ng Writer:

Me quota ang pag-ibig. Sa bawat limang umiibig, isa lang ang magiging maligaya. Ang iba, iibig sa di sila iniibig. O iibig nang di natututo. O iibig sa wala. O di iibig kailanman.

Ang iba'y iibig sa maling panahon, umibig na noong 1980s, nakipagmartsa sa mga aktibista, pero ang taong nakatakda para sa kanya ay nabuhay noon pang 1930s, isang rebelde laban sa mga amerikano, matagal nang namatay. Kaya she keeps falling in love sa mga lalaking mas matatanda, hinahanap sa kanila ang di mahanap na wala, hindi mapagtagpo ang kahapon at ang kasalukuyan.

May mga pusong pinaglalaruan. Nasa parehong building ng call center but they will never realize that they are on the same floor. Maski parang laging may strange force na humihila sa kanila para tumingin sa kabilang building. Kailanman ay di sila magtatagpo. Tanungin man siya ng boyfriend niya kung ano iyong lagi niyang tinitignan sa kabila ay di niya masasagot. At kailanman ay di niya malalaman dahil eventually ang lalaki ay lilipat sa ibang lugar, at siya, hanggang sa mamatay, di na niya malalaman kung sino nga iyong nasa kabila.

Merong pinalad na nagkakilala, nagkaibigan at nagsama. Pero sa di malamang dahilan ay iniwan ng babae ang lalaki. Mabubuhay ang lalaki sa walang hanggang paghahanap. Mari-realize niya na ang pag-ibig ay laging paghahanap. Pero hindi niya kailanman mahahanap ang babae dahil ang totoong hindi niya mahanap ay ang kanyang sarili.

Merong away nang away kapag magkasama pero hindi naman kaya ang makahiwalay. Merong nagmamahal lamang kapag nananakit. Meron relihiyon ang humaharang, o katayuan sa buhay, o mga magulang. Merong sila mismo ang gumagawa ng harang. Merong umiibig na habang nagtatagal ay lalong nawawalan ng IQ. Merong pag umibig ay napupundi ang 4 out of 5 senses, touch lang ang natitira. Merong ang tingin sa pag-ibig ay tali. Meron di makahakbang dahil sa pag-ibig at merong namang nakakalipad. Merong ang tingin sa pag-ibig ay hapunang walang sawsawan. Merong pag umibig ay nahaharap sa salamin, sarili ang sinasamba. Merong ang tingin sa pag-ibig ay parusa.

Ang iba'y iibig sa hayop, dahil noong unang panahon ay mga hayop sila. Ang iba'y iibig sa mga bahay, kinikilig kapag hinahaplos ang barandilya, nalilibugan sa mga kisame, pinagnanasaan ang sahig. Patuloy silang mananakit sa mga babaing umiibig sa kanila dahil hindi nila kailanman malalaman ang puso nila ay gawa sa kahoy.

Pero merong isa sa lima, harangan man ng kulog, ng ganid, ng lindol, ng teknolohiya, mahahanap niya ang kanyang mahal. Siya lang ang magiging maligaya.

Hindi mo pwedeng mahalin ang isang tao nang  hindi mo minamahal ang hilaga, silangan, timog at kanluran ng kanyang paniniwala. Kapag nagmahal ka'y dapat mong tanggapin ang bawat letra ng kanyang birth certificate. Kasama na doon ang kanyang libag, utot at bad breath. Pero me limit. Pantay-pantay ang ibinibigay na karapatan sa lahat ng tao upang lumigaya, o masaktan, o magpakagago, pero kapag sumara na ang mga pinto, nawasak na ang mga puso, nawala na ang mga kaluluwa at ang bilang ay umabot na sa zero, goodbye na. Pero, the memory of that one great but broken love will still sustain you, tama nga na mas matindin ang mga alaala.

Nakakaaliw ang pagkakasulat. Makatotohanan. Nakakaloka ang mga characters, yung mga hindi mo tatanggapin na uri ng relasyon pero sa huli aaminin mo din na totoong nangyayari sa ating sirkulasyon.

Nakakaaliw. Nakakaloko. At nakakapagpaisip.. Parang ikaw, ako, tayo at pag-ibig. :)

Looking for trouble.

I detest how people see their mistakes when they are already living on its aftermath. I detest how they contemplate on the situation when after all there is no way getting out. I detest how they see their past as a downfall when on the first place it could have been avoided. Experience is the word people use to their mistakes, and when consequence is already there habitual remorse is not the best defense, it makes you look stupid.

I detest people who talk much without giving deep thought. I detest how they say opinions without checking if they are on the right track. I detest how they can easily utter hundred of words, delivering their annoyance when in fact it is them making their own drama. Asking is not detrimental before composing some sentiments, indeed it refrains you from creating an impression that you are senseless.

Hate me for hating. But I despise weaklings who don’t give an effort to look like a strongman.  I don’t like people who exhibit their dearth. You are supposed to learn from your baggages not to cry from its weight. And words are very powerful weapon to create an emotional murder, before you start bashing someone with your boundless emotionalism, make sure you got the signal right. Think before you click, think before you speak.  

“Remember my friends! Everyone must be quick to listen, but slow to speak and slow to become angry.“ 

Move by Love and Hate

Love and hate. Two different entities, different emotions, not opposing each other but rather both moved by passion.. And I love you and I hate you.

I love you for who you are, and i also hate you for that. I love you for the things you are not, but i also hate you for not becoming one. I am not expecting anything from you but i hate how you don't do anything for me to wait for something. I love you as my boyfriend but i am not seeing you as my boyfriend.

The hardest thing about love often seems to be the extremes. That's why I am embracing myself not to be left unguarded to fall down to intensity. But we are becoming obnoxious about it. You, thinking that you are no different with others, me thinking that you aren't eager enough to fill the spot where you wanted to be.

In any way, hate can be the best compliment next to love. I hate how you do it and how you don't, but at the same time loving you more and more. You give me three minutes of euphoria, and yet you give me hell for like an eternity. You persuade me and then dissuade me. I tumble in elation you brought and suddenly backing up for the annoyance you fastened to it. You cried for joy and rapidly turns to wrath due to disagreement. 

But we move on, forget, fight, and love again. Knowing and learning more each day. That is why hate doesn't make our relationship unworthy, because it's indifference that makes everything unnecessary.

In the vast ground of trees lies an old house dwelt by a girl confined with dreams. The cold breeze awakened her.

While looking everywhere she suddenly felt the shudder brought by the wind, she’s aware she ought to leave. She is setting off to coldness and she know staying might bring her numbness, causing her fixity and be trapped alone into a deserted maze.

Moving ahead she run as quickly as she can towards the ray of light. But looking how the sunlight discover the trees she saw again the beauty of the forest that once has been covered with weariness, roughness and discourtesy. After a long time the forest is now starting to grow again in green.

Once more she was caught by the forest’s beauty, and for a moment she stop thinking about the coldness that is enfolding her.  But as the sun continues to set she suddenly felt the fright for solitude.

She know moment left and she will be alone in the darkness. So she passes swiftly in the direction of the light which makes her witness more the outpouring beauty of the growing forest. As the wind blows, the trees are dancing to its rhythm rising to a further fascination. She is mesmerized, but knowing that staying would lead her on becoming alone, she run and run towards the endless line.

She can't let coldness succumb her. She can't let herself be left alone with infinity. She can't let herself be paralyzed by coldness that is cause by the growing beauty of trees. but more..  she is frightened to be forgotten. Under their unbounded sky she uttered her wish that the forest seize her, but as the trees continue to grow and she continued to run, they are now removed into two different worlds. Mistakenly.